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time machine in 2438 A.D., as stated at the beginning of the article, and promptly runs afoul of
the law.
Hero: Beg pardon, but could you tell me-
Cop: Hanh? Did jue sy samtheng?
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Hero: Yes, you see-
Cop: Speak ap; kent mike it aht.
Hero: Well-
Cop: Woss thowse fanny dowse? P'ride?
Hero: I'm sorry, but---
Cop: Downt annersten ja; kentcha speak English?
Hero: Yes, of course--
Cop: Woy downtcha, thane? Luck loik a spicious kerracter; bayter cam 'lohng to the
stytion. Jile for you, me led!
Another factor in linguistic evolution is the influence of sounds on those preceding and
following them. We tend to take shortcuts in getting from one sound to another. The "k" sounds in
cool and cube differ slightly; the second is nearer "t" than the first, because of the influence
of the following "y" sound. If this process goes far enough (as it did in Latin), the "ky"
combination may become "ty," and finally "ty" may become "tch," as statue has changed from
"statyue" to "stat-chue." Hence our descendants may pronounce cube as "chube."
Our weakness for shortcuts-plus plain laziness-results in the complete dropping of sounds.
Hence we often hear "prob'ly," "partic'lar," and "comf'table." The contracted forms "int'rest,"
"gen'ral" have become more or less standard; the others may follow in due course. Most of the
"silent" letters in our spelling, as in askEd, WrotE, KniGHt, once stood for real sounds. The
British outdo us in this respect, with their Whitehall "wittle" and military "miltry."
The British have slaughtered a large fraction of their r's; some of them have dropped "h"
from their speech. The Scotch have dealt similarly with "I" and "v," so that in Broad Scottish
gave is "gay."
is highest when the vowel is sounded; hence beet, etc., have front vowels while odd, all, go,
good, do have back vowels; those in above are intermediate.
The story is told of an Aberdeenian in a dry-goods store who held up a piece of cloth and asked
the clerk, "Oo?"
"Ay, 00."
"Ah 00?"
"Ay, ah oo."
"Ah ae 00?"
"Ay, ah ae 00."
Not to keep the reader in suspense any longer, "Ay, ah ae 00" means "Yes, all one wool."
(In repeating this story, remember that "Ay" is pronounced like eye.)
Our chief victim seems to have been "t," whence we often hear posts, tests, loft, wanted
as "poce," "tess," "loff," "wanned." Sometimes we drop "in," nasalizing the preceding vowel to
make up for it, as don't, sometimes pronounced "dote" or "doh" with a nasal "0."
Let's suppose that our hero has been hailed before a magistrate. To change the assumptions
a little, suppose that the vowels are still recognizable, but that dropping and assimilation have
been going full blast.
Magistrate: Wahya, pridna?
Hero: Huh?
Mag: Said, wahya?
Hero: You mean, what's my name?
Mag: Coss ass way I mee. Ass wah I said, in ih?
Hero: I'm sorry. It's Jones, j-o-n-e-s, Morgan Jones.
Mag: Orrigh. Now, weya from?
Hero: You mean, where am I from?
Mag: Doh like ya attude, pridna. Try to be feh, huh woh tollay dispecfa attude. Iss a
majrace coh, ya know.
Hero: You mean, this is a magistrate's court? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but-
Mag: Weh, maybe in yooh faw. Eeah ya fahna, aw nah righ melly. Sodge, lock im up. Gah
geh mel zannas dow ih, to zam is satty.
Hero: But look here, I don't need a mental examiner to examine my sanity-I'm all right
mentally- It seems our time-traveling hero may be reduced to the device adopted by a man I once
knew who made a trip to Germany. Entering a hotel with a companion, he asked, in what he thought
was German, for two rooms and bath. The clerk looked blank, then replied in something that was
evidently intended to be English, but which
conveyed no sense whatever to the American. After some futile vocalization of this sort, the clerk
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