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Is this an example of the good taking care of the stupid? I whispered.
You could say that, Rick answered, although I m not really sure who s who
right now.
He squeezed my shoulder, winked, and went down the stairs. I was finally at
the point where I could resist Stephen, especially since he was a bloody mess. I
helped him clean up, dabbing some peroxide on the cut over his eye and wiping
his face. I could tell, for once, that Stephen was grateful for the attention.
Don t bother getting any pillows or anything, he instructed. I ve already
been enough trouble and I ran your boyfriend off. I just don t understand why
these things keep happening to me.
Becoming Human
94
Let s not talk about that, I replied, so you can get some sleep. You know
what?
What? Stephen said, suspiciously.
I m sorry if I led you on about us, I said slowly. If I made you believe that it
could have been more than it was. And I m sorry for using you.
Using me? Stephen inquired. I thought I used you.
Whatever, I said. You deserve to be wanted for you and not just for the
body and the attitude, and I m sorry if I made you feel that way.
Thanks, Stephen answered, sincerely, and closed his eyes. I could tell he
meant it. In a few minutes, he was asleep, probably the first time he fell asleep
with both eyes closed in a few days. I stood there for a few minutes watching him.
I thought about Rick and how quickly he took off, and wondered why. Then I
thought about the progress I had just made in a very few minutes. I wasn t feeling
guilty for Stephen anymore, now that I had been able to show him some genuine
kindness. I actually wanted to show him that someone cared about him more
than superficially, how gay guys could actually be friends. As usual, the fact that I
was making friends with someone I had once had sex with made it a little easier.
So many of us had ulterior motives or felt strange when we were friends with a
man that we had not known carnally. My gay shrink, in a weird inverse of ther-
apy, once told me about the time he sat in a room with his partner over and over
again with the same three friends for years until one day he looked around and
realized that they had each had sex with his partner at some time or another
before he came into the picture. With this arrangement, Stephen and I could be
sure that there would be no awkward attractions or underlying tension brought
on by feelings, physical or otherwise. I moved from horny predator to real person
where Stephen was concerned, and saw that I really wanted him to succeed some-
how.
Now if I could just figure out the rest of this shit, I said out loud.
I put my favorite fuzzy blanket over Stephen and went to bed.
C H A P T E R 17
Realization
Alex? Stephen whispered, peeking in the doorway of my bedroom.
I lifted my face from the pillow, which was wet with my drunken slobber,
thinking that I had just put the blanket over him. The light was coming through
the windows, and the clock said it was ten something. In my haze, I could barely
make it out. I smelled coffee and wondered what was going on.
I walked over to Starbucks and got you a latte, Stephen informed me. Just
like you like it.
I sat up, wanting to play hide the body again but then not bothering. I
assumed that the new terrain of our relationship could allow me to show a little
skin without feeling awkward. He sat down on the side of the bed and handed
me the coffee, which was just the right temperature to drink. As I shook off sleep
and sipped, Stephen started talking hesitantly.
I, um, need you to listen to me, he said, seriously. I ve been thinking that I
need to do something about my problems. I can t seem to stop doing coke and
drinking too much. I m scared, because last night I didn t know what I was
doing. Maybe if I hadn t been doing it, I wouldn t have made Nick so mad.
Dude, I need to get some help.
Before the fight with Nick the previous night, Stephen explained, he looked
around at his party, and in a moment of clarity, saw that the place was like a drug
outlet store, where you could get whatever you wanted for next to nothing or, in
his case, for free. He looked around and saw the crowd, and as the clarity wore
- 95 -
Realization
96
off, wanted to have as much fun as they were having. After a few lines, Stephen
was feeling way up yet agitated, thinking that maybe he would try to get Nick to
have sex in one of the closets or out by the pool like some of the other guests, in
an attempt to release some energy. The agitation, as I had noticed with Stephen,
came out like a mosquito buzzing around your nose, so someone with Nick s bor-
derline personality did not stand much of a chance of staying calm. After one
pass, Nick walked away, disappearing while Stephen said goodbye to his last
remaining guests. When he found Nick again, he unwittingly crossed the line
and the pushing started. As much as I wanted to say, I told you so, I just nod-
ded in agreement. For Stephen to come to this realization was a step that needed
to go on uninterrupted.
I did some research this morning, he continued, and I want you to help me
check into the county addiction recovery center. They have counseling for gay
people and I really think it could help. I m at the end of my rope, Alex.
I still couldn t fathom what he was telling me, but I knew that the person talk-
ing to me was the real Stephen, the semi-mature, educated guy I thought he was.
Last night, he said, you showed me you really care. Rick, too. You guys are
successful guys and you do it without any help. You can take me there today and
I ll stay for a few days or whatever.
The phone rang.
Hey, you, said Rick, what s going on over there? Are you two okay?
I looked at Stephen, who nodded, knowing that it was Rick on the line.
We re fine, I said. Stephen has decided to get some help.
Rick came over immediately and sat with Stephen while I called the recovery
center. I suppose we were both afraid he would run, so we silently agreed to make
sure that didn t happen. This was not where I had hoped to be on Sunday morn-
ing, but I hoped that we were truly helping Stephen.
We went by his house to help him pick up a few things and were amazed at
the sight. The Holiday Inn on wheels was still there, and there were no signs of
anything crazy in the front yard. But when we stepped inside, the place was
trashed, cans, bottles, plastic bags all over, flowers trampled on the floors, glasses
and dishes piled up in the kitchen. In the master bedroom, where Stephen s
things were, there were even a few used condoms lying around, at which Rick
remarked that it was a good thing the crowd was still using protection. Judging
from these leftovers, I could see where Stephen s feeling of being out of control
could have come from. The only thing missing, I reasoned, was naked people
splattered on the furniture.
Realization
97
The recovery center apparently had a light load, which was a surprise, judging
from the number of people at Stephen s house the night before that may have
made a change of heart just as he did. Stephen handled himself very profession-
ally and paid for a single room without hesitation. While we were getting
Stephen set up in his room at the rehab center, he opened up again.
Maybe if I can get over this, he said, I can make things work with Nick. I
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