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trying now, centuries later, and with even less hope of suc-
cess, to reconstruct what she might have thought and felt.
There was a pool of silence deep inside her, yes, that I
do remember. All she did was stand there, staring. But
staring with an intensity shaped in the very marrow, as if
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she had to dislodge a whole life past, present, future,
everything from the little her eyes could see.
Would she have been thinking: My God, they re back,
at last, now I can go home?
Or: No, please, don t let this happen, not after I have
finally found a home here, a husband, and a child?
I came from behind. My shadow fell on her. She seemed
to tremble lightly, even before I could put my arm around
her, cupping my hand on her breast. She said nothing, but
I could feel the stiffness in her body, resisting me; resisting
most of all, perhaps, herself.
Khois: what are you looking at?
Nothing.
What do you think those strangers have come for?
How must I know? Angrily, as if she resented my
having asked.
Are you scared, Khois?
Why should I be scared?
I am scared.
She turned round swiftly, pressing her head against my
shoulder. Hold me tight, she said, so quickly I could
barely make out the words. Just hold me.
She was trembling. For a long time we didn t speak. At
last she seemed to relax. She looked up at me, almost
expressionless, her face as calm as the sea.
Come, I said.
Where to?
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Back to our place.
For a moment she yielded, then held back. You go. I ll
come later.
There s nothing to stay for here. Come.
Just let me be! Such anger in her, it scared me.
Why won t you tell me what is troubling you?
There is nothing to say. Don t you understand?
Through her words I saw the emptiness behind them. I
wanted to take her in my arms again, but she wouldn t. I
turned around and went home alone. The child had to be
looked after. Only once did I look back: she was still stand-
ing there, motionless, her face to the sea. Far on the horizon
the small ships lay, rocking gently on the easy swell.
I know now I should have turned back. Just to be with
her. We could dispense with words. Perhaps, if I had
gone back, in some mysterious way, who knows, some-
thing would have been communicated to her, from my
body to hers, blood to blood and bone. And then she
would have known. I would have known. But I was
offended by her aloofness. I thought: If she refuses to
speak, then I ll wait until she decides to say something. I
won t force her.
Which is why I still don t know. That is all I know. That
I do not know.
And I thought I knew her.
Inside me: an abyss of fear and pain, incurable pain.
Because there is nothing so terrifying as to lose the one
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you love without knowing where to look for guilt or rea-
sons. Even without being able to say: Remember me,
remember me, remember me.
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23
Offering another view of the woman s departure
LET HER BE, said the old man K guda who had taken
Khamab s place as our medicine man. She s back where
she belongs. We don t want to see those troubles start-
ing all over again. It s good riddance.
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24
In which the story of the betrayal of Adamastor by
Thetis is told once again, but really for the first time
SHE DID NOT GO WILLINGLY, T KAMA, one of the old
women told me, in great confidence, while I was trying
to feed the child milk from a calabash. The others were
too scared to tell you. They still feel uneasy about your
white woman with the smooth hair. But I shall tell you
everything. She tried to run away with us, but she stum-
bled and fell, and the strangers caught her. I could see
her kicking and struggling, and we could hear her
screaming for a long time still, but they took her away.
In a profound way it made me feel relieved. The
anguish that had settled in my stomach like a lump of cold
porridge that would not digest began to dissolve. Only
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afterward did the questions return: Suppose, the old
woman had lied just to comfort me? How can one ever be
sure about lying or telling the truth? Still, I believed her. I
wanted to believe her. Her words had made sense. One
doesn t just take a woman and go off with her as I had
done: there are ways of acting that must be respected.
Parents and elders to be consulted and appeased. A bride
price to be paid. That was the way it had always been.
That was the way I would have acted had the k onkwa
allowed me to obey our customs right from the beginning:
but then the war erupted, the torob that destroyed it all.
Now, at last, it seemed the time was ripe for me to make
amends. I would go to the Beard Men and talk with them:
this time, at least, it would be possible to talk, as through
the woman I had learned some of their language. At least
we would be able to understand each other.
I put the child to sleep and went to old K guda to dis-
cuss what was to be done. He was reluctant at first, as you
will know from the previous chapter, but in the end he
agreed. As long as the negotiations were peaceful, he was
prepared to support me.
In the dark predawn I set out toward the beach, accompa-
nied by K guda and three of the others I did not want too
many with me, lest the Beard Men misunderstand our inten-
tions taking with us two cattle and five sheep. On the ships
everything was still quiet, nothing moved. We took up posi-
tion where we would be clearly visible, squatting down
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patiently to wait. And at high day they acted as we had
hoped they would: from the distant ships rowing boats
were let down and began to move in our direction, the
oars moving impressively in unison.
The strangers were cautious, however. They were
holding their guns in readiness. But we waited without
flinching, our hands held out toward them so they could
see we were unarmed; and at length, moving slowly, step
by step across the naked beach, they came right up to us
and started making elaborate gestures toward the sea.
There is no need for signs, I told them in the words
the woman had taught me. I can speak your language.
Immediately there was a change of attitude. And for the
first time K guda and the others with me began to relax.
We brought you these oxen and sheep as tawete.
Without more ado some of the Beard Men hurried back
to their boat and returned with armfuls of copper and
beads and other precious things. And rolls of tobacco. And
a small keg of brandy. This time I was careful not to offend
them by refusing anything.
After we had all smoked and drunk together and shaken
hands and sworn friendship I cautiously broached the rea-
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